pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Randomize
