and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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