there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
