i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
