i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
