Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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