Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
