By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
