my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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