Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Even my vagina gasped.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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