No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
