a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
