I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
