I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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