you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
