Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
