My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
