I can tuck mytits in my pants
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
