$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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