you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
There's a naked man in my car right now.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Randomize
