holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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