my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
