you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
