you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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