Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
