he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
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