What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
