In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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