I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
And then my night got REAL pukey
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
