its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
