how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
