If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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