I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Congratulations! We have a period
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
