my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
