I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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