She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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