nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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