i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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