she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Randomize
