Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
