dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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