Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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