you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
