Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
