yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
