if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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