Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
