New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
