i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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