Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
