i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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